shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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