you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
