She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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