Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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