i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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