The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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