Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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