I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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