Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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