Taylor Swift is so right about you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
