forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
