apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
