They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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