my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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