while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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