I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
