we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
