i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
