We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
