I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
