i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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