I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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