moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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