I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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