you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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