i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
