My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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