im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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