I'm eating all of the evidence.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
