Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
