All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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