The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
