A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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