theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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