So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
