wake up i wanna do it froggy style
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
