tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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