thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
PANTIES FOUND
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
