What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
