For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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