I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
