Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
