It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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