The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
