I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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