Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
