He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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