now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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