In the future we'll all be gay
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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