I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So gin and wine won't be happening again
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
