you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
