i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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