I smell stomach acid.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
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Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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