He disabled his match.com account in front of me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Verdict: uncircumcised.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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