My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
