dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
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your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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