Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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